Now that's just full-on terrible. There's a very befitting German neologism – Netzhautpeitsche.
Google says that it means something like "retina whip" en Anglais. »
But it has the 'rrrong colour! To make up for it, though, the hat is kind of close to the right hue. :D »
Hm ... did mankind ever attempt to prove that people had to appear physically older at the same speed? There's a remarkably wide spectrum with worn-out mid-20s folks and vital-as-hell looking 60+ folks on both sides. »